Day 150 (of 2023/24) my annual ‘anxiety rant’ with an update to include the social medias (in italicized bold)
This is my annual rant on anxiety. I have worked with ‘these’ learners for years and even have one at home! It’s not ever easy, but I have had many successes. It’s not new, but at the same time, our anxious learners have always been at school – just not always stayed at school (sick absences, self medication, runaway etc that led to lower graduation rates than we have today). I recall how 120 peers entered grade 8 with me (and there were more grade 7s eligible for the move to the “big school”) but only 60 ish walked across the stage. Many because of issues connected to school – which is why it is essential to both be different than school was a decade ago and connect with families to show that schooling is different…..and if your learning environment (mainly classroom or school) doesn’t look and act differently from the 1990s (or 1890s) well….you gotta make some changes. This includes taking a look at why it is that students are becoming “addicted” (the research isn’t deep enough to convince me that it is the same as a true addiction – though I suspect the supportive ‘best supports’ are the same… not banning, but focusing on education.
Part of this is how close the ‘cousins’ of neurodivergence – anxiety, depression, autism spectrum, etc work with each other and symptoms overlap and mask the other… and why I have been pointing out that much like the metaphor I use of an iceberg distracting us when it ‘flips’… the neurochallenges that are making us look at the cell phone are winning because it is making us not look at the reasons why users are spending so much (even I’ll admit to ‘too much’) time on the most powerful tool to personalize and differentiate education.
Here is my ‘list for success’ – odds are you’ll find somethings you will hate (I don’t like everything). It’s not about you, it’s about the learner. I have been using these strategies for years – a long time with my students, and recently with my own son. And while I focus on anxiety, this works for so many….dare I say ALL learners – but it takes a paradigm shift into an inclusive mindset.
But still…. not everybody ‘gets it’ …….. yet….. but more and more are – as we celebrated my anxiety son graduating after having once been ‘uninvited’ from school!
The key points of the list are in bold if you just want to skim read.
The anxious learner needs to be at school. Every day. Even when ‘sick’ – unless you actually see the vomit hit the floor. Seriously. Very common: “I threw up” “Let me see it” “I already cleaned it up – I did a great job – you’d never knew I was sick – but I did. Let me go home!” – be aware this is very tough and very exhausting – for everyone. Sometimes there needs to be a blend of environments – this can be challenging but the key is to establish a schedule and stick with it until ‘success’ is achieved at which time the goals of the schedule need to adjust – a moving target with a built in feedback loop.
I also agree and emphasize that inclusion doesn’t mean all the time but it does involve whenever the learner is ready – even if they don’t think they may be ready….a tricky balance, but it also can’t be throw them in the deep end (the use a swimming metaphor) and just watch what happens – gotta have tools -life jackets
During COVID – I have had a few students work hard to get in school. Admittedly not 100% as some have moved to our DL (Distributed Learning/Home School) program; and have a couple students who are not ‘daily in attendance’ but all are working on it to get in the school…
Being at school does not always mean being in the classroom. Step 1: Be in school. Being in the classroom comes later. It might be step 2 or step 22. This is not something that has a set time: some can be ‘pushed’ to get into the classroom quickly – many need time: time to walk/pace; time to find a ‘safe zone’; time to find a ‘safe person’ (it might not be you – it’s nothing personal).
During COVID – we have some students who are spending time working on school work, but not in the classroom. In the past I many of these students working out of my office… lately we have been able to have some of our older students work in alternate spaces, but still spend some time with the class as well.
Heck, today (monday – 2021 for context) I had a larger-than-usual number of students needing a ‘soft start’ – just some time with some playdoh, lego, kinetic sand (and hand sanitizer) to get their brains relaxed enough to get back engaged and into the classroom. Most were done within a half hour though one took almost an hour… but we did get them in!
Being in the classroom does not mean doing work. Sometimes parallel play/learning is key to develop the relationships that are needed to then ‘get work’ out of the student. But when dealing with anxiety, written output becomes a low priority. So by welcoming students into the learning studio… even if it is with a cell tool… you are welcoming them into an unfamiliar environment with a comfort tool – and I know many will protest that the phone is different from the blanket that Linus used in Peanuts… or the book that many of us used to escape during a particularly boring (to us) part of the school day – and that which is unfamiliar to us as adults is often stressful and something we don’t feel comfortable dealing with. I’m saying that we need to start dealing with it: specifically talking about good cell phone use and (more importantly) modelling our own good use of mobile devices… when to use it.. when to put it down because what we are doing is asynchronous and not always time sensitive. And talking about both what and why we are doing to show what is going on in our heads to model it for our learners… the same approaches I have found very successful when talking about academic such as reading writing and mathematics, but also competencies such as communication and thinking. I want more students to see adults reading (for leisure – if we are saying it’s important, where are they seeing it) along with writing and mathing… and celling.
During COVID – I have some whose angst has them doing some parallel work activities, or doing reading during math and math work during writing et al – to exert some sort of personal control over a world where there is less and less control.
You will need to push them – but be mindful when you do. Eventually. When you have some deposits (okay, a LOT of deposits) in the ‘positive relationships’ department, then you can play ‘good cop bad cop’. “Mr. L says you have to be in the classroom for safety! Grrr.” -when they know that there is support for them they will respond positively – but it takes time (think in months but be ready for years) we identify in grade 4 (hopefully) for independence in grade 10… and imagine what might happen if we are modelling good cell use in elementary so that students have role models for when they get their own tool…
And with COVID, some pushes have led to some ‘leaving the area’, but still gotta push some comfort levels/zones of proximal development to hopefully attain more personal success.
If anxiety takes place in one environment but not another – say meltdowns are at home but not at school – it is STILL a school issue.
There is a fine balancing act between providing support and enabling the anxiety. It’s very different for each person.
Earlier I commented on an inclusive mindset – that is because each time we send the learner away (even if you hope or believe that a program that is not at the neighbourhood school is “better” the learners sees that a) a school has given up on him and b) there is a secret code that can be enabled in order to get away from an undesirable environment and c) they lose connections to the school.
During COVID, I have supported families making the best choices for them – especially in consideration of if they feel confident in face-to-face learning (I reiterate that if I did not trust our safety plan, I would not be here) and that whether they want to learn at school or at home… at any time, but especially during a pandemic, they’re right!
And if your district has a “great program” don’t have it outside of the neighbourhood school – move that mindset into the school as it will benefit all learners!
Anxious kids are smart. Usually super smart. Often gifted smart. They will manipulate – but not always – and despite their ‘smartness’ , they don’t always know when they are manipulating situations and when they are in states of panic. That’s the way anxiety works – it is a monster that is brutal to identify and deal with.
And the ongoing issue is that the thinking works in overtime and considers every consideration including the worst case scenario – they catch covid… pass it on… caregivers die… ugh. and the brain isn’t easy to turn off..
Anxiety can be overwhelming – for both the sufferer and the key person working with them – but others in age group are accepting. You may think you’re anxious at times. You’re not compared to those in dire states. Here’s a link to a movie scene that had my son (and a few others) go ‘thats how I feel’ but not just for the couple of minutes – all the time – and sometimes even more intensely: https://youtu.be/fYvpN0SNyAg
And the anxiety around a pandemic is even more so – many wonders… possibilities… fears … all real-enough!
Generalized Anxiety has ‘unclear triggers’ where the ‘starting’ point can be very difficult to identify – overall it usually occurring around grade 4 (earlier if there is a family connection to the anxiety monster) – but also comes up during ‘clear triggers’ (death, divorce, major surgery) – it gets worse if it is ‘ignored’ or put off as ‘something that will be outgrown’. No it won’t.
Anxiety needs to be countered using Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) – often requiring a counsellor who uses this approach (programs such as BC’s Friends For Life have great success as well – if you have access to it, use it for whole-classes of grade 4/5 students).
And generalized anxiety loves ‘uncertainties’ such as the back and forth of covid and how it may/will spread; who it will affect; where and why it started; what the side effects of the vaccines may be….
Sometimes medicine is needed (that being said, CBT has ‘equivalent’ results to medication) But, if anxious kids don’t/can’t sleep: use melatonin or something (with doctors support/knowledge). Sometimes before CBT can even take place, an anxious learner needs ‘the edge taken off’ before CBT can be effective – that may require extra medications – work closely with a paediatrician or YOUTH psychologist/psychiatrist. Watch for/anticipate appetite issues and other side effects. Be very aware of ‘sadness/depression’ and that there may be some periods of this – if on medicine, don’t ‘just stop’ the medicine until you’ve talked with the prescribing doctor. Don’t be afraid to ask for 2nd (or 3rd) opinions. Find someone you trust – then trust the process, if they say ‘take the medicine for 8 weeks’ take it for 8 weeks. Don’t ‘give them a break’ from the medicines unless your paediatrician is on board with that. And never self medicate – the short term high provided by alcohol and marijuana may feel good at first but a) the crash leads to dark thoughts and side effects include paranoia -which is not a good mix with anxiety! And b) you’ll never feel as good as how you remember the first time was – and you’ll be chasing a feeling that wasn’t actually as good as you remember it to be but the memory will continue to build it up and then wonder if maybe “more” is the answer….and it isn’t.
If you’re using medicine, week 6 sucks. This is the time families usually ‘quit’. As a teacher I always was frustrated with the parents when they ‘stopped because it still wasn’t working and the side effects are bad’. As a parent at week 6 I was frustrated because the medicine wasn’t working and the side effects were bad. AHA moment: week 6 sucks. Week 8 is MUCH better – or at least improvement occurs – and then you get frustrated with others who ‘got focused right away’
Covid restrictions are tough enough – getting medicines right at this timeframe are only more complicated.
Expect ‘self-soothing’ strategies to annoy you: video games, book reading, pacing, and other ‘alone’ activities. It’s not about you. Find strategies that will work. Then work on introducing other activities – especially slow breathing. Strategies will evolve over time – as confidence (and trust in strategies) increases, isolating into ‘devices’ does decrease (on its own if you let it). Also allow for experimentation – when fidget spinners first arrived they were a fad – many places banned them, but I’ve allowed them to be a big deal for a little while and then fade away – except by those who authentically use them as a self-regulation tool – it’s not many, but it is some. It is also essential to differentiate between;a tool or toy– tools help while toys distract…..and as a girl once demonstrated for me’ sometimes when disregulated, a toy is needed to help distract the brain – so there are times when a toy can be a tool…..I know – but as I like to point out – if it was logical it wouldn’t be a mental wellness issue!
And the ‘soothing strategy’ may become an addictive problem as well – I feel safe under my blanket playing Minecraft, so I will do this ALL THE TIME!!!
When anxiety kicks in and the child is greatly frustrating you – you HAVE to be that much calmer and relaxed. Even if you’re tired. Even if you’re sick of it. Stay calm. Always. Yes – even then. Then too….especially then. Calmness confuses the anxious brain….so use wait time (and count to a number to make sure that time doesn’t distort so that what you feel has been a minute is only the 20 seconds that has passed in ‘real time’.
And it is hard to be calm and relaxed when we have our own angst being exasperated by our own thinking and wondering about the pandemic – and being socially distant – and in our won bubbles – and being unable to travel – and gather – and do what we were used to doing….
Transitions (and new things) suck. Going to a new restaurant is a cool experience. Or not. Anticipate and predict as much as possible. Going ‘new’ – expect a tough experience – I was proud of my mom when she took my son out for lunch to a fast food place. It wasn’t in his schema. His brain stopped working. They just left, went to a more familiar restaurant and things went better.
Even trickier when there are more restrictions – cohorts; no adults; no volunteers to help….
Outside family members and friends will be critical. Until you live with anxiety, you won’t appreciate it. “Suck it up”, “Whats wrong with them” “Why are they so rude” and “You’re using medicine… really? Isn’t there something better/different” are common. This is not a ‘weekend fix’ – it takes months and years and really doesn’t ‘go away’, it just takes that much time to find strategies to ‘self-regulate’.
Even more so in isolation….
It’s a marathon not a sprint. I try to work with anxious learners ASAP (and I do focus my attention on the grade 4 crowd) and work on a variety of interventions – with the intention that they will be doing well……in grade 10. Maybe sooner, but….. The earlier it is recognized, acknowledged and supported, the ‘easier’ it is to cope with. I like to explain – we identify in grade 4 for grade 10 success. That’s the timeframe.
But COVID has made “time” weird – days go so fast, weeks so slow, and months have…. wow – mid May already?!?!
Communication is key. Especially between the adults. Back and forth books. Emails. Assessments. No secrets. We use a ‘back & forth book’ to chart everything from ‘meltdown (1)’ to ‘stayed in class and did class work (5)’
Anxiety is very different in each person specific & while some anxieties (due to divorce separation et al) are easier to find some ‘commonalities’ with but don’t ignore it & don’t think there is ‘one’ plan.
And not cutting off communication because of COVID is key… it is easy to lock the doors and turn off the lights – both literally and metaphorically… and as I sometimes remind us: sometimes the hardest door to go through is the open one….
Okay… so why are kids going to the cell phone SO much…? My opinion is formed from the reading of Johann Hari who (my synthesis) has a complex relationship with tech… he likes it but is aware of how powerful it can be. With companies hiring psychologists to figure out the best way to trigger dopamine reactions to playing games and interacting with the digital interface… real life can be challenging (as once seen in the Star Trek The Next Generation Season 5 episode 6 entitled “The Game) and when there is a reliable, consistent, predictable tool that you can turn to… you will – especially if you are not finding such a connection in real life. So people will turn to tools like pi.ai to have that ‘phone a friend’ option to talk to and get support… or crush candies… when they are in fight/flight mindsets – and it is a) not enough to just say ‘no’ and take away the tool without a replacement… and b) necessary to be the agent for connection and engagement if you want to see change – we can’t just say ‘play a game or something’ (they were) or go talk to a friend (they did and they hate each other just now) or find someone to talk with (they were – it just so happened they were 8 timezone away).
If we want change at school, we need to take part in it. Whether that is around providing alternatives (in teaching and recreation time) to attract people away from their tools (and remember, for so many, the cell phone is being used as a tool rather than a toy) or at the very least modelling our own good use of tools… unless we are wary that our own use is also unregulated and problematic… OR if the researchers get their 10+ years of research on the impact of phones and social medias on youth (oooh wait… there is a problem with doing psychological experiments on minors… ) then maybe we do need to discuss this at a societal level and put the onus on families… ban use of phone for those under 16 with a fine to families who break the rule (or admit that is just foolish because we already are acknowledging that a) many students have needs that the phone is good for – whether voice to text, using a calm app, etc; and b) there are educational values to it which is why every ‘school ban’ includes the *except when teachers say it is a good time to use it as a learning tool.
Right now our school is working with a number of students in a variety of levels: those that ‘need’ the tool for co-regulation; those that use the tool for communicating with work and families ~ and maybe the occasional distraction; those that are overusing the tool; and those that I think could be doing more work with the portable device… yep – AITA? Not a one-size-fits-all cell use model; but an encouragement to model better from staff as we see how integrated our mobile tech has fit our online school environment that has learners often on site as well… and know that it is because of neurodiversity that many of our students have found us… and recently (2024) were successful with the ‘just come in the door’ model of gradual entry into a hybrid learning environment.
Check out anxietybc.com & selfregulation.ca
Don’t try to ‘fix’ it on your own. The kids aren’t broken. But make use of an extended professional learning network. Feel free to tweet @technolandy or email ilandy@sd47.bc.ca Trying to work on your own is exhausting. It didn’t work decades ago when it wasn’t as fully understood. The work by luminaries like Linda Miller and Stuart Shanker are helping – but keeping this work secret or to yourself won’t be as successful as having a team of supporters.
Whether mental wellness strikes as anxiety, depression, or something more unique – don’t be alone – there we people out here willing to share their experiences and network supports – Michael Landsberg @heylandsberg from TSN has been amazing sharing his own demons and how he is dealing with them – because it’s not about making them go away (they won’t) but understanding that the way you feel when depressed or anxious is not the way you have to feel. Getting outside is good. Getting into nature (even for five minutes a day) is essential. Connecting above all is most important.
And here is the link to my tedx talk about empathy for anxiety: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-JpBJal3F8
Even though it may feel like it, you (we) are not alone…. Mental Health is the end result of us focusing and doing better on mental wellness! Be safe, be kind, be calm!
technolandy: site of Ian Landy 